What a great couple of months it’s been since I arrived in
France. I’ve probably already mentioned it in my last blog or on facebook
posts, but I’m enjoying it so much I can’t stop telling people!
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| Fellow TP guides Ben, Chris and Emily enjoying the late evening light by the river near Clamensane |
I’m working in the
best job I’ve ever had, surrounded every day by the most staggering scenery,
riding my bike along incredible trails where it’s impossible not to whoop with
delight all the way down, and finish grinning from ear to ear. Every day I wake
up and can’t quite believe I’m in yet another beautiful place, working with a great
team of like-minded people, and generally awesome guests who are equally as
excited about the trip as I am. Even though there are busy and at times
stressful moments when things don’t go to plan, I feel relaxed and calm, and
like I have a sense of inner peace that I haven’t felt for a long time.
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| Taking a break on the Col des Champs |
There are always the days and moments when I miss Gareth
from the bottom of my heart, but recently, even when I’ve been missing him, although
it’s still painful, and I’m sure always will be, I can picture his cheeky grin
as though he’d just ridden the same trail or seen the same view I just have,
and smile because somewhere I know he’s glad that I’m starting to feel like
this.
I’m seriously loving riding my bike at the moment, and maybe
even starting to ride it in the way Gareth was able to (ok, perhaps not quite
as rad as that! But I’m definitely faster, smoother and feeling relaxed and
comfortable in moving the bike around to feel more flow on the trails than I
was at the start of the summer). Last week’s group was probably the most fun to
ride with of the whole summer, and Sandra, Pat, Toby and I had a great week
working together and showing the guests trails which they were uber
enthusiastic about.
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| Last week's guests still smiling despite all the pushing! |
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| Just one of many fantastic balcony trails high in the Maritime Alps |
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| Another spectacular view |
This week is my last week of work before a 3 week break, and
I’m mainly driving, as Ash is guiding a group of product designers and
photographers from the US around the Trans Provence route as they test some new
gear and get photos and video footage for promotional material. They are a nice
bunch of guys, and in between all the shuttle driving to and from trails, I’ve
been able to ride up and meet them for some of the descents. To be honest, it’s
been nice to have a week with a bit less riding, as 3 weeks guiding the trip
without a day off is hard work physically and mentally! I've been enjoying the
driving and a bit of time to myself in the van listening to music, and
appreciating the places I'm passing through.
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| The pretty perched village of Roubion |
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| Driving through incredible scenery every day |
It’s also been good to have an easier week, as the first
part of my “holiday” is riding the Haute route from Chamonix to Zermatt next
week. Tom and I rode it last year, carrying all our kit and bivvying en route.
It was great, but this time we’re going lightweight, staying in huts and hotels
so we don’t have to carry as much and can shred the descents
J. One of the other TP
guides Toby is joining us for a day or two as well, and this year we’re taking
a slightly different route…involving more carrying and pushing no doubt, but
also even more amazing long alpine descents….It’s fair to say I’m pretty
excited! If you hadn’t already realised, this is the kind of big mountain, epic
trip that I live for
J
After that I’m joining some friends in the Ardeche for a
couple of chilled out weeks sport climbing, sunbathing and swimming in the
river, before heading back to Sospel to work throughout August with Ash on a
new trip which he is putting together for next year. It’s basically going to
involve riding a bunch of amazing trails, recce-ing some new ones and figuring
out transport logistics to link them….it’ll be hard, but I guess someone’s got
to do it ;)
Back at the start of May, my friend Fi asked if I wanted to
write an article for an online magazine, and I said I’d give it a go. I’ve
written a lot in the 20 months since I lost Gareth, and have found it a really
helpful way to clear my mind of worries and anxieties. I’ve kept a diary,
writing down things which in the past I would have talked about with Gareth,
but now I don’t feel like I have anyone who knows me as well as he did, or who
I can be totally, completely myself and speak my mind to honestly without being
judged, and knowing that he would still love me unconditionally. I’ve had an
amazing amount of support from friends, and my wonderful family, but there are
some things that I would only have shared with Gareth, and as I can’t now do
that, it’s been helpful to write them down to get them out of my head at least.
Writing this blog has also been a way to remind myself of how lucky I am for
the many opportunities I have and parts of my life I am grateful for, and to
remember that although Gareth can no longer be an everyday part of my life in a
physical sense, in a way, he will always be part of it, in the sense that the
10 years we spent together shaped who I am now, and gave me experiences and
adventures that have opened doors, and opened my mind to knowing what is
important to me, and what I want to do with my life to get the most out of it
and feel alive and glad to be alive every day.
But writing for other people, and not just my random
thoughts and ramblings, felt harder to do. In a way, it was hard reading back
over what I’d written and thinking that other people would be reading about my
“story”, when for me it’s not a story, it’s real….it all really happened,
although sometimes that’s still hard to get my head around…..I had the most
amazing husband and a fantastic life that we had built together, and now they
are gone, and it’s hard not to wonder “Why?”. Why us? To some people, it might
seem “inspiring” how I’ve tried to rebuild my life and keep busy doing the
things I love, and that’s great if some people feel like that, but I’ve purely
been doing what I can to help myself cope…every so often, I still can’t help
but feel a sense that life has been very unfair though…
Anyway, for anyone who didn’t see the link to the article on
facebook, it’s here if you want to read it.
This morning I’m sitting outside a café in the sun, waiting
for the guests to finish their ride, looking at the old houses and narrow
cobbled streets of the pretty little town on one side of me, and the towering
wooded hillsides on the other, watching all the locals go about their daily
business, listening to the sound of birds and two old ladies nearby having a
conversation whilst they pick their
vegetables from the local grocers….it’s calm, tranquil, life is slow here….it
feels good...
Tomorrow would have been Gareth's birthday, and I know I'll inevitably feel a bit low, so I'm glad I'll have the long drive to Chamonix to think lots of him and how we would have been celebrating, I like to think we would have been about to take on an adventure together like the one I'll be starting next week...hopefully I can persuade some friends tomorrow evening to remember Gareth with me over some of his favourite things....cakes and single malt whisky....Missing you as ever Gareth xx
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| Riding in the Alps |
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| Summer holidays in Orpierre France |
keep writing, I love the honesty.
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